Heartstrings

My heart is so heavy right now. I haven't had a shift like last nights in so long. I am absolutely mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. I spent two nights working with this very young patient who kept getting progressively sicker. Really nice and supportive parents, and pretty nice decent guy who just happened to be stuck in a crappy situation. The first night I worked with him, it was busy but manageable. But last night was honestly a shit show. I worked my butt off just to keep things from going south, and despite my greatest efforts things went super south. I have never cried in the middle of code, and there I was tear drop after tear drop. This young man  expressed his wishes to me, and we literally did the opposite. Of course, we thought it was in his best interest, but really what ended up happening was horrible. I can't write about it here for HIPAA reasons, but I don't even have to, because I know I will never forget this night. And then on top of all that... Hearing the mother's shrill cry, the father begging his son to be strong, the girlfriend crying uncontrollably...all of it, the worst. And then telling the parents what happened and what happens next. God these are the hardest things about nursing. The family was so thankful for my care, and I couldn't even look them in the face without feeling like I had failed them. So many points in the night, that the doctors could have taken a different course of action, if only I had been more aggressive in my demands. I know I tried damn hard, but what if I had tried harder? Could this man's life had a different outcome?No physical task compares to the burdens of those moments. I pray so hard for this man and his family today, and I really sleep with a sober heart :(

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