Indian American Love Child

It is a strange feeling to make someone part of your life, and then excommunicate them. I always felt that way. You know someone intimately, in more ways then one, and then all of sudden they are a nobody in your life. It just doesn't seem right. I think this is probably one of the reasons why I am on good terms with almost everyone I dated...because you can't go from caring so much, to not caring at all, it almost feels like you never truly cared to begin with. But what if you meet that one person, and you don't know if caring for them, will prevent you from ever caring for someone else.  What does one do?? Can you really do anything except let go? The truth of the matter is I have no choice. My heart is so open, so ready to love and be loved, and so ready to give selflessly. But I want to share my heart with someone who is willing to the same. It was my own personal foible to care for someone, without any recognition of their feelings for me. Going forward my heart, my

A woman always has a special relationship with her mother. She is the first person we try to emulate. She is our supporter, our mentor, and our friend. Sometimes our relationship is tumultuous, other times effortless and gracious, but always and forever, it is bound by love. She is the woman that gave us life, and if you are as lucky as me, she is the woman that showed you how to live it too.  This past week marked the 50th birthday of the most remarkable woman I know, my mom. Everything I am, and anything I have ever achieved, can be in some way attributed to her. In fact, I always tell people, I will be very lucky if I turn out to be even half the woman she is. She has many wonderful qualities, but the ones I love, admire, and hope to adopt the most are her resilience, spontaneity, integrity, compassion, and vivaciousness. To celebrate and commemorate these qualities, I have decided to share five stories that really capture the essence and spirit of my mother.  My mother came

I had this strange dream (or series of dreams, couldn't really tell) last night. In them, I was married to three very different real life men. How much truth or reality there is to this dream is surely questionable, but I woke up with a really strange feeling. My life was so different with each man, and each offered me three very different lives- each good and bad in their respective ways. I woke up knowing exactly which life I needed, and which man could offer me that life, and yet in no way did I derive any happiness from that realization.   Truthfully, I am at crossroads when it comes to my life. At this very moment, I know exactly what I need but I have no idea what I want. A part of me wants to say F it, and just have a royal time doing me. God knows, my life is going really well right now, and I am truly happy in every sense of the word. Why lock myself into something, when there is a whole playful summer ahead of me!   But then the other side of me, the more rationa

Somewhere around 4 o clock in the morning (on a relatively slow night at work), I just start thinking about things. Lame things- like what day I should my laundry. Deep and reflective things- like where is my life headed. Horrible things- like when will my annoying patient finally go to bed. And then sometimes, just really random things. It seemed like a good idea to document my thoughts, because well hell, maybe I am not the only one with these questions. Or maybe these are just the thoughts of a sleep deprived crazo...I don't know. But if you have the answers...hook a girl up!   1. What happened to exits 132,133, and 134 on the Garden State Parkway?   2. What does it mean when a DJ says he is "on the ones and twos"?   3. What exactly is in draino?!? How is it able to dissolve anything and everything?!!?   4. What is the correct way to pronounce 'Givenchy' and 'Yves Saint Laurent'?   5. Why do guys expend so much time, energy, and mon

This week was the most taxing week of my nursing career thus far, and hands down, today was the worst day I have ever had working as a nurse. I literally saw my young patient slowly deteriorate, herniate, and eventually end up brain dead. The slow changes in my patient's pupils, the look in his father's eyes, the heart wrenching wail of his mourning mother...I can not seem to get them out of my head.   In nursing school, they told us we would encounter moments like these. But no amount of verbal preparation seems sufficient when these events unfold in real time. I only spent three long days with the patient and his family, and yet, I felt so much pain today. The mother literally sobbing in my arms, asking me "how could this be?" What reply could I give her? What solace could I give her except the warmth of my arms, and the silent translation that I too, felt her loss. How could I explain to the dad that his son was never going to wake up? How could I tell them th

Life works in strange ways. Events happen all the time that test our faith and beliefs. As we grow older, we learn more but this knowledge doesn't always translate into more understanding . The saying 'ignorance is bliss' has never rung more true in my life.   I remember when I was younger, I used to speak with conviction. I could articulate my thoughts and feelings with utter ease. Life was mostly black and white. Things were either right or wrong. The areas of gray were far and few. Now, life seems like fifty shades of gray...and none of them are nearly as fun as the popular novel may suggest.   One area of gray I recently battled with...is the unfairness of life. Why do bad things happen to good people? I watched my patient and her family go through hell-  the family literally watched their loved one battle with death. I learned that my lovely coworker lost his young sister tragically. I found out that my patient passed away after a traumatic year in the hospita

Oh Happy Day!!! 2014 is most definitely my year!!! I didn't think I would get a position in critical care, and low and behold, I get to work in the neurocritical care ICU! I was slightly worried about my financial security, and now shortly I am going to be a homeowner!! I didn't think my heart was ever going to heal and feel love again, and guess what, I was wrong!!! So wrong!! I don't want to jinx anything, and I don't want to over excite myself, but all I can say is life works in very strange ways....sometimes happiness is literally right in front of your face! Happy Monday World!!!! Peace and Love always, Nandita

I really shouldn't be writing this. I have so much to do...I need to study, workout, clean, meet up with alex, answer a bunch of emails, fill out mortgage paperwork, and the list goes on. Even so, I want to document my thoughts while they are fresh in my head. This week I had my first experience working on the ICU floor, and it was intense! The first day on the unit was a whirlwind... my patient's BP wouldn't come up above 90/30! There were what seemed to be a million drips running, intermittent fluid boluses, new JP drain and ileostomy, hourly documentation of all events, etc... I could barely keep up. Not to mention I still had another patient! It is a completely different world up there. I walked out the first day thinking 'WHAT THE HELL DID I GET MYSELF INTO??' Needless to say, I was nervous about returning to the unit.   Thankfully, My second day was sooooo much better. I actually did really well, and learned so much. The patient was a 1 to 1 neurocritical

Shit just got really real, and really quick. Monday marked the first day of the Neurocritical Residency Program. The past month has been a whirlwind with everything going on, so to be honest, I didn't get much time to think about the program. Needless to say when I started the week was intense. I don't think I have ever been so excited, nervous, proud, and honestly scared shitless in my life!!!   For starters, I feel very proud. Turns out this is the first nurse externship/residency program ever to happen at JFK, and I get to be one of the first participants! We were "hand selected" from a very large group of people as per my managers... and I personally know countless people who did not make it. I feel so blessed and honored to be part of the program, and I can't help but feel this job is going to take my career to whole other level that I didn't even imagine!   Even though I am really excited and proud, I am also terrified. The depth of knowledge I

A little overwhelmed recently. Actually not a little overwhelmed, very overwhelmed. Too much going on... Broke my lease, found yera a temp apt till may, found a condo, in the process of working on getting a mortgage, put in an offer, and now packing and preparing to move in less than two weeks. Not to mention, working a boatload because we are so short staffed. Plus, trying to prep for the new position that starts less than a week away, and I have to study and test out of a class for TESC. And to top it all off, I am trying to get back in the dating scene. Needless to say, my skin looks like a volcano exploded. The stress is not doing my mind or body well. Honestly, some days I don't even know where to begin. For starters, this mortgage crap is hella confusing!! I just don't understand financial stuff. Everyone says different things, and even though my dad has been supportive and trying to explain things to me- I just don't get it. Then on top of that, I have been tryin

I don't know what has come over me recently, but all of sudden, I feel this immense pride in myself. I don't mean an arrogant air or sense of entitlement, but just a genuine feeling of accomplishment and worth. Today when I looked in the mirror, I honestly broke into a big smile because I was happy at what was being reflected back at me. I literally thought to myself, I am proud of the woman I have become. I can not even begin to explain how amazing that experience was. To just be happy with yourself! Maybe people have this feeling all the time? I really don't know? But for me (sadly) this has been a first. I feel so content, so fulfilled, and I think the reason is I finally realized my happiness is not dependent on anyone else. For once, I recognize my life, and it's course, is solely in my hands. My career, my financial security, my body, my love life, almost everything... will be a result of MY choices.  I feel empowered! Perhaps, this a fleeting feeling? A

Killing it in 2014!! I got the Neuro-ICU residency position!!!! I believe I start the last week in February, but I have to confirm all the details with HR. All I know is, my career is about to take flight this year! BSN + ICU experience = endless job opportunities. Needless to say, I am sure it is going to be a hell of a lot of work. I am going to start prepping as early as tomorrow. I have so much reading and reviewing to do- especially since these are the sickest patients at JFK!!!! But I know with God's good graces and hard work, I am going to succeed! I have also decided to start doing some other adult things...like condo shopping! I know I am ready to make this move. Two years ago I was so concerned with my proximity to NYC and how easy it would be for me to get in and out of the city...now I could care less. I know I will still go to the city, but probably not as much, and I am totally ok with that. The thought of future financial security is so much more enticing than a fe

I remember vividly an instance when my Grandma, normally a very calm and composed woman, became upset to the point of tears. We had just completed a food filled weekend with the entire family, and my aunts were throwing away large amounts of leftover food. The sight of us being so wasteful was just too much for my grandma.  I remember feeling so guilty that my grandma upset. In a way, I felt like we had disappointed her. She grew up having a great respect for everything that she had, and recognized that not everyone was afforded those luxuries. Food could be reinvented, and eaten again. Clothes could be passed down. Items could be mended instead of thrown away. And what the family did not want, there was surely a beggar that could make good use of it. My grandma raised her family to be resourceful! Something over the generations got lost in translation. Water, heat, electricity, clothes, food... I have been blessed to have never gone without the essentials. Nevertheless, instead of

Recently, I have been thinking quite a bit about my social media presence. Apparently, I come off as some wild party girl to some people. Comments such as "Oh, Nandita will be out partying on her day off" or "Where are you going tonight, Nandita" have not been uncommon from coworkers and acquaintances. Though the comments are not coming from a place of malice, I find them to be annoying. My life is multi-faceted, and not confined to my Friday nights out on the town with the girls. Yes, there are numerous photos of me out and about, but that doesn't mean that's all I do. Nobody takes pictures of themselves writing papers, or reading nursing journals to stay current, or working long hours to make an independent life for themselves. Nobody takes pictures of themselves praying or spending hours just chilling with their sister and family.  I can make my cake and eat it too. But nobody sees that side of me.   How much of our social media presence defines us?

I have to blog about last night! I swear, yesterday, exemplifies why I love NYC so much. It was a rainy but mild Saturday. I wanted to see my girlfriends badly, but wasn't really in the mood to rage. We decided to watch the playoffs. We ventured into this large beer hall called Houston hall. Great space, totally every man's dream. I had a great time watching Mr. Brady on the big screen #sexy! Around 3rd quarter, we are all hungry, and so we went to local bar. The bar was something out of a western film, but I must admit, the food was delicious. Later, rose's friend from HS was in town, and so we meet up with him at a gay club! My first time at one, and it was fabulous! The music was a mashup of today's hits and 80's/90's throwbacks! It was everything I expected a gay club to be and more. Fog machines, fans, flashing lights, the whole sha-bang. We rocked out there for a little bit. Jazzy was dying to get her bhangra on, so then we headed to pranna. Lol I walked i

I am so disappointed in myself. Literally, two steps forward and four steps back. I have no idea what came over me last night. I was an emotional mess. I was crying, and then angry, crying, and then happy, and then sad. What the hell? I wish I knew how to make sense of it, but I am not sure there is any real sense to it. All i can do at this point is cut my losses, mend my bruised ego, and move on. I am praying for clarity, direction, and focus. I have decided to refrain from drinking for at least a month, probably not going to go out that much either- I just want life to slow down a bit. On a positive note, I passed my semester with two A's. Once again, proving that I am an excellent BS'er. And hopefully I hear back about the new position soon. I decided if I don't get it, I am going to look for jobs in Miami. Time for a change in scenery...