Indian American Love Child

Oh lord, I just finished a session with my trainer, and as much I love the way she drives me; I also feel like I am going to puke. I can not believe I let myself get so weak that I am actually nauseous after a workout! But I am hopeful, three weeks in and I am starting to see some improvements. I just need to make sure I keep the drinking/eating at bay which is honestly pretty damn hard in the city. Even when I try and behave, I somehow get suckered into going out once a week! But if I am going to see the results I want to see, I am definitely going to have cut out some of the crap. I told myself I would spend the rest of this year working on my physical well being, and once I have a good regimen with that, I will start figuring out my career game plan in January. I know its sad but between moving, work, my personal life..I just couldn't seem to focus on my career.  I am trying to get myself emotionally straight. I finally had the conversation with S, and it just confirmed what

I just finished a super long day of computer training for my new position at NYP so my brain is running at 20% efficiency right now, but I am going to write anyways because I really want to the chronicle the last month while it is still fresh in my head! So I will start where I left off! Leaving San Diego and the process of moving across the country went smoother than I anticipated. Rose's family was super sweet and let me stay with them for two weeks, they made me feel so welcome, and really just part of the family. I honestly can not imagine living 3000 miles away from everyone I love without the support and love from Rose and her family. She really did help make my SD special for me. I also had help from Sunny for the last weekend, which was nice, because my suitcase was no joke! But even with all the help, I am soooo done with moving. I have literally moved five times in the last two months, and I am over it. Packing everything up, unloading it, arranging it, packing the c

My heart is so heavy right now. I haven't had a shift like last nights in so long. I am absolutely mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. I spent two nights working with this very young patient who kept getting progressively sicker. Really nice and supportive parents, and pretty nice decent guy who just happened to be stuck in a crappy situation. The first night I worked with him, it was busy but manageable. But last night was honestly a shit show. I worked my butt off just to keep things from going south, and despite my greatest efforts things went super south. I have never cried in the middle of code, and there I was tear drop after tear drop. This young man  expressed his wishes to me, and we literally did the opposite. Of course, we thought it was in his best interest, but really what ended up happening was horrible. I can't write about it here for HIPAA reasons, but I don't even have to, because I know I will never forget this night. And then on top of all that.

Life has a really strange way of working out. The older I get, the more I realize everything happens for a reason. Even though I will be leaving California on very bittersweet terms, and god knows I will miss it terribly, I think I finally understand why things might have worked out the way they did and why I am leaving. I am leaving to fulfill a dream. I am moving to NYC in a little over a month, and if there was ever a time for me to move to New York, it is most definitely NOW. After California. I feel so much more zen (go ahead and call the hippie police on me), and in a healthier place. If I lived in NYC even as little as two years ago, I would have been outta control. Going out all the time, endless mindless dates, getting trapped in the shallow "social scene", but now I think I will truly enjoy NYC for all the right reasons. Truthfully, some of things I used to love about New York has lost its appeal...like the hustle and bustle, the everyday grind, the constant sti

I had to make some difficult decisions the past couple of weeks about everything from my career and residence to my relationship. After a lot of soul searching, and a pretty tough conversation with S, I decided I am going to leave California and move back to the East coast. When the pain of the S situation subsided a little, a whole new kind of sadness set in. I didn't realize how much I have fallen in love with San Diego. My heart literally hurts when I think of leaving. This totally boggles me. I spent the last nine months enjoying myself out here, but not without serious bouts of missing NYC/home. And now, I have the opportunity to leave and move to NYC, a city I have dreamed about living in since I was a teenager, and I am still not happy. Even the thought of being closer to my friends and family, who i spent the last 10 months missing isn't making me happier. When I was trying to independently decide whether to stay in SD or not, I couldn't tell if I liked SD becau

God, I seriously hate being a woman sometimes. For starters, it is a crap ton of work. Just the other day, I literally spent 8 hours behind hair management alone! Waxing, coloring, shaving, trimming... I mean, what an ordeal! But worse than any female physical maintenance is the emotions and thoughts that come along with being a female. After to talking to many a men and woman on a very personal level over the years, I am going to go ahead and make the safe assumption that is pretty much a female problem. Men surely have emotions/thoughts but not to the extent that women do. And I seriously envy that.  This past weekend was a prime example of emotion/thought overload. I had one freaking weekend alone, and it threw my mind into hyper drive. First I was bored. Then I was sad because so many of my friends had left. Then I was mad because I felt like I was waiting on someone. Then I was happy because I did end up meeting up with my some of my friends. Then I was bored and sad again

I am going to preface this post by saying it is hella loud where I am at, and I can barely hear my own thoughts, yet alone put them into coherent sentences. Nevertheless, I feel the need to write, and I just feel like I have so many emotions/moments to chronicle. Anyways, where do I start?! I guess I will start with work! Next week ends my first travel assignment! I honestly do not know where seven months have gone! It feels like yesterday I was sitting in orientation learning about snake bite protocols! Nervous, excited, unsure about the next couple of months would have in store for me...I never expected this. Nursing in California, or in particular Palomar Medical Center, has really given me insight into what nursing practice should really be like. Patient ratios, lift teams, resource nurses, and so many other resources make nursing not only way more manageable (far less burn out), but more importantly, so much safer! The acuity at Palomar was a little bit less than what I am us

The world just learned of terrorist attacks in Belgium- three explosions in major metro hubs of Brussels. Though it is too soon to say for sure, news sources are saying it is in retaliation for the arrest of Salah Abdeslam, a man associated with the Paris attacks. Now I won't pretend to know the intricacies associated with this attack or the one in Paris, but I will say the little I do know, hurts my heart and saddens me to my core.  I think working as a nurse has made me somewhat immune to the culture of fear. I see horrible things unexpectedly happen to people everyday, and it has taught me that no matter how carefully you live your life, whatever is meant to happen, will. And so for that reason, I won't let fear of what ifs dictate my life. But that's not how most people live, and respectfully so. It is very disheartening to know that there will people afraid to ride the metro to work from now on. Or to let their kids hang out with friends of  a certain race or

I just got back from Capital Hill last week, where I got to attend this amazing program called NIWI or Nurse In Washington Internship. The primary focus of the internship was to help nurses better understand the legislative process, and how nurses can use this process to invoke policy change on both a state and national level. It was a fascinating program from which I learned a great deal. But I think what I enjoyed the most, was meeting so many amazing nurses from all around the country. Nurses who had enough initials behind their name to form a small sentence. Nurses on the boards of some huge nursing organizations, and passionately represented their respective specialties. Nurses who had ventured outside the realm of traditional nursing and gone into politics, business, law, etc. It was the most professionally inspiring experience I have had in a long time! I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it, and I left the program having a clearer idea of what I needed to do to achieve my fut

The other day Yera sent me a link to the new Coldplay/Beyonce Music Video. Personally, I am a fan of the song "Hymn for the Weekend", though I have to admit as much as I love my girl Beyonce, I am not really sure she adds much to the song. The collaboration must have been mostly for the upcoming Superbowl? But anyways, I watched the music video, and can honestly say, I much enjoyed it. The video is shot in India, and I thought the imagery was beautiful. I did not think for one second that anything about the video was insulting or demeaning. Actually, I didn't give the video a second thought until I read a NPR article examining the video under the broader context of cultural appropriation. Theft and Artistry: Coldplay, Beyonce in India Spark Discussion on Appropriation Truthfully, I had never even heard of the term cultural appropriation until this article. After reading quite a few articles on it, I learned that cultural appropriation generally refers to the (un

Multiple terrorist attacks have happened in various countries across the globe in the past couple of months. From Mali to France, news of death, hostages, bombs, and just general devastation have flooded our social media, news, and conversations. I am ashamed to admit it, but I have turned my head to all of it.  I live in a world, I don't understand.  For the longest time, and maybe even now, I was okay with the ignorance is bliss motion. It served me well since I was able to maintain my naive perception of the world. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate watching the news. I feel as if there is never anything positive on, and furthermore, I feel the more we watch it, the more paranoid we get about the world around us. The last thing I want to do is go through life thinking everyone has an alternative agenda, and is out to get me. I'd like to think that most people are innately good, and that there are just some rotten tomatoes among us. Of course, I do not have children,

A million thoughts torment my mind, a restlessness from which I can not unwind, I crave an escape from my own mental anguinsh, a thoughtless oasis to which I may vanish Thoughts that range from deep to mundane, an internal storm that has me feeling insane. Thoughts of wants, of needs, of unfilled desires Thoughts of success to which I can aspire Thoughts of an untold future, Thoughts of a heart broken beyond suture. Thoughts of such blissful love, the kind I could only dream of. Thoughts of what ifs, should I's, or will it none reassuring in the slightest bit Thoughts that invoke a sense a fear, Thoughts from which I shed a tear A self inflicted torture from which I wish to be free These seesaw thoughts have drained me So Sing, Sing, Sing me to sleep, Steal each mental thread, and with each strand may you weave, a net so tight, that no other thought may trespass it's hold, and only sweet dreams I may behold