Lessons

Pure emotional catharsis starts here: Recently, I met up with someone I once used to date. It was about a year ago when I first met him. At the time, I really liked him.  I honestly opened up my heart to him (and mind you I was a little broken-hearted right before I met him).I gave him my attention, time, and really put myself out there. He, in return, seemed to be about it too. I remember the daily texts, and what seemed to be a genuine interest in my life. At the time things seemed to be good, if not, great. Time, distance, circumstances changed- we remained friends/acquaintances? Nevertheless, every time I met him, I could not help but feel chemistry.

Except, this last time when I saw him. There was something off about the whole experience. Maybe because he was out of his comfort zone, maybe because I have been stressed out recently between work, school, etc (and ended up having one too many), maybe the age difference was more transparent. But anyways, I can't lie, I felt a lot of bitterness towards him. I didn't outwardly show it or express it (at least I don't think I did), but inside I felt it. I couldn't help but feel played out. I put my all into something, for what? All those things he said and did meant nothing. They dissipated into thin air. It's not that he owes me anything, he doesn't, but I realized he doesn't care for me at all. Not even as a friend. I am probably nothing more than a pretty face for him. Perhaps, I made myself too easy for him, too accessible. In retrospect- he never really invested anything in me, but I let him have the best part of me. It's sad that it took me a year to synthesize and derive this conclusion, but I guess better late than never. I am going to do my best to cut him out of my life, because I deserve more than a 'casual friendship'. I was never that type of girl, and I am sure as hell, not going to start now. I am classier and far more deserving than that.

This experience has explained why I am so scared to date again. I am scared to make myself vulnerable- invest time, energy, my trust- only to reap nothing in the end. But I can't let a few bad experiences haunt me. I have to live and learn and move on. Dwelling in past failures and being scared to pursue new opportunities- that's not me! I am better than that. What I have learned from these experiences?

1. Build my self esteem. I am the one that sets the tone for the way I deserve to be treated. I don't need to be a bitch, but I do need to hold myself in esteem. If I don't recognize my worth, no one else will either!

2. You have to earn my trust and respect. I shouldn't just dole out trust and respect, those are earned. Show me through your actions that you are deserving of my time and attention. Does he  follow through on his words, is he sincere with his actions? And this is going to take months. Not weeks. Once upon a time, I used to fall for a guy with a snap of my fingers, but now I am lucky if my pulse changes after three months of courtship.

3. Make sure he cares for you. I am a big girl, I can take care of myself just fine. But I would like to know you care for me.  Even simple things like finding out if I got home ok? How is my family doing? What's on my mind? Care about the things that matter to me. CARE. Being selfish is not cute, and it is a sign of immaturity.

I am sure there is more to be assessed and learned but I think those three are the most important. I don't regret meeting him, it was fun and very telling. I just know I need to be smarter and more aware of my choices and actions. I am going to start dating again, and really giving the right guys a chance. It's been a crazy couple of years, but it's cool, the best things in life come to those who wait. :)

ok off to the gym soon....I am back on the get sexy plan. #doingme #perspective #lifeisgood