Fifty Shades of Gray

Life works in strange ways. Events happen all the time that test our faith and beliefs. As we grow older, we learn more but this knowledge doesn't always translate into more understanding. The saying 'ignorance is bliss' has never rung more true in my life.
 
I remember when I was younger, I used to speak with conviction. I could articulate my thoughts and feelings with utter ease. Life was mostly black and white. Things were either right or wrong. The areas of gray were far and few. Now, life seems like fifty shades of gray...and none of them are nearly as fun as the popular novel may suggest.
 
One area of gray I recently battled with...is the unfairness of life. Why do bad things happen to good people? I watched my patient and her family go through hell-  the family literally watched their loved one battle with death. I learned that my lovely coworker lost his young sister tragically. I found out that my patient passed away after a traumatic year in the hospital. And on top of all that, my really sweet preceptor's young nephew is battling for his life after a horrible viral infection. It just seems so unfair. I know I should be used to this by now. Illness and death shouldn't be foreign to any nurse, but for some reason, I am struggling with this.
 
I always believed good things happen to good people. It was just the way the universe worked. I find myself questioning that now. Is karma really real? I really don't know. Maybe even though these people are experiencing horrible hardship, they still have other beautiful things in their life like amazing family and friends, etc. Maybe everything happens for a reason, and this is part of bigger plan that is beyond the scope of my understanding. Once again, I really don't know.
 
I don't really think there is any point to me writing this, I just needed some place to share my thoughts from this week because I really didn't know (and still don't know) how to articulate what I am feeling. I hope as life progresses, things become clearer to me. I hope that the more I see and experience will not just continue to add to my confusion, but eventually will lead to some type of higher understanding. I don't need the world to be black and white, because I don't believe it is, but I do need the world to make a little more sense because right now the picture is a little blurry.

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