Get Up 10

I've tried to write the last couple of months, but truthfully something seemed off every time I picked up the pen. Every time I wrote, it felt like: 

1. My words didn’t capture what I was truly feeling. Not the depth or the scope of the pain, confusion, hurt, self doubt, loneliness or the plethora of other emotions I was feeling or had felt during that time
2. I KNEW whatever I was feeling and expressing was also SUPER transient, sometimes even changing moment to moment. 

And so, I decided that even though the pen was and is, one of my favorite outlets, writing  was probably in some ways, not the best for me. The thing with written word is, it is permanent. You can not unwrite it, un say it, or in any way, deny it. If i wrote what i was feeling and thinking at one of my lowest points...it would, in a way, give validation to them. And more than just validation, it would take them from what could just be transient thoughts and feelings to a more concrete reality, and I did not want that all. 

I feel so happy knowing I can write again because today I express my current honest and hard earned reality. 

In the last couple of months, I have deconstructed my 'self'. I took a hardddd and longgggg look at my faults and shortcomings, and I went on a damn mission to figure out ways to fix them. And it was no easy feat. Not to mention, the whole time, I was utterly heartbroken + practically alone and away from everyone i love + coping with a move to a new city & new career. It wasn’t even till recently, I let my support system in on how tough the last couple of months have been. I didn’t want them worrying about me, when they were so far away. Butttttt

HERE I AM, on the other side of the mountain, and DAMN am I proud. 

This year I realized my own strength, and let me tell you what a beautiful freaking feeling that is. I cannot even tell you how amazing I feel nowadays. After YEARS of self doubt and a shaky self- confidence, I now look in the mirror and I see myself for the first time as the person I truly am and want to be.

Things I have recognized about myself:

1. I am stronger than ever I ever gave myself credit for 
2. I am smarter than I ever allow myself to be 
3. I am beautiful. INSIDE and out. And I even MORE beautiful when I overlook my flaws and embrace all the beauty god has given me
4. My heart is warm and full of love to be shared 
5. My soul is clean and light, and my karma is balanced 
6. I am actually 100% capable of not only providing for myself, but also being happy by myself. I do not actually NEED a partner. I am fulfilled by myself if I allow myself to be, and stop listening to what my society and culture has ingrained in me. I think a partner would be a wonderful addition to my already wonderful life, and I do WANT one, but for the first time, I recognize, I do not NEED one. 

Coming to these realizations have helped me understand my self worth. They have also helped me understand what I have to offer in a relationship, what I want from a relationship, and the standards I would like to hold my future relationships to. 

Looking in the mirror and facing all my imperfections and inner demons was no walk in the park, but the realizations and conclusions I walked away with, have truly been life changing. I know I am not perfect. And the flaws I do have, which are many (impatient, ill tempered at times, moody, undisciplined, rash) I am not blind to. And till the day I die, I will continue to work on every personal short coming, because as humans, there is a never a time to stop growing, learning, and improving. But along with working on my flaws, I will do a better job embracing all the awesomeness I am and make sure I keep those hard earned realizations at the forefront of my mind. 

In all honesty, I hit a pretty low valley of my adult life this year, but I worked hellaaaa hard to summit again, and here I f’ing am. Cardi b says, “Knock me down 9 times, get up 10. Look myself in the mirror, I say we got' win”. I am looking at myself in the mirror, and saying the same damn thing Cardi b, the same damn thing. Imma learn from every failure, and Imma gonna get back up better and stronger each time :)))))


PEACE :)

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