COURAGE

It is only fitting I talk about L-O-V-E around Valentine's Day. More specifically, lost love. It's been a tough couple of months for me as I've come to the sad realization that I no longer love what I do for a living. To some people, this is no big deal, as they might have never even come close to enjoying what they did, yet alone, loving it. But I LOVED nursing. For many years, no matter what shift I worked, how sick my patients or how many patients, how staffed or understaffed- I loved my profession. Of course there were bad days, but despite even the worst days, I loved being able to guide my patient through sickness to health, to be a pillar of support and a comfort at their most vulnerable time, and to use my skills and critical thinking to make sure all my patients were safe and that their needs were met. I never thought I would tire of nursing. I very much believed I could be a career nurse, retiring after 30 + years of patient care- satisfied and happy. Sadly, only SIX years into my career and I am already ready and eager to leave patient care.

Unfortunately, this did not happen overnight. And even more sad, my story is not singular. Many events and various factors played into my disillusionment (and I will elaborate on those later). Early in my career, I knew our healthcare system was flawed and needed major re-vamping not just for our patient’s health and safety but for the long term retention and happiness of all healthcare workers. And I always thought I would take my frustrations and observations, and work towards making some meaningful change on a macro level. I did not want to be one of those people that loves to complain, but doesn’t actually do anything about the problem. A huge part of why I took my first travel nursing position was because I wanted to know how healthcare differed across the states. What worked, what didn’t work, what challenges were specific to different regions, etc. I wanted to take that knowledge, and advocate for change in nursing boards, legislation, health policy- the whole shebang!  

Fast forward three years, and I got complacent. Complacency then took a turn for the worse; it turned into unhappiness and a desire to run away from the problem all together. I think a large part of my new lack of motivation came from our tumultuous political atmosphere. I hate to blame something or someone for my own shortcomings, but I truly believe Trump’s presidency has led me to reconsider my desire to change healthcare policy. Or change anything for that matter. His presidency, and so much of what he represents (sorry not sorry) I find so appalling and disheartening. After watching and hearing about one awful story after another on everything from racial tensions to animal rights to the corruption within the WH, I just began to feel like a little person in this big ole giant sea of money, corruption, and power. How could I make a difference?! Why even bother when evil seems to prevail anyway? i should just leave nursing, and leave this drama behind. 

And then I met Maya Angelou, and I say met, because this woman spoke to my heart like nobody has in a long time. I know this sounds silly, but I never thought I could love and relate to an author as much as J.K. Rowling, and then, I read 'Letter to my Daughter' by MA. I was captured, and had to read more of her works. Angelou has this prose that is all at once…real, raw, wise, kind, endearing, and inspiring. I haven’t had 1/10^th of her life experiences, and yet I somehow, identify with her. I draw from her energy and spirit, in a way I have never drawn from any other novelist before. Her life and her work are absolutely remarkable. She was a singer, poet, dancer, civil rights activist, professor, and the list goes on. She faced so much adversity and she yet she overcame. I am quite honestly, both a little infatuated and supremely inspired with this remarkable woman. I’ve been reading her works, and scouring the internet to soak in all that I can find on her. One quote in particular, struck me, and woke me up.

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.”

Where is my courage? I see something difficult, something challenging, and instead of facing it, I choose to walk away? What good is my virtue, my intention, if I so easily get dissuaded? I can do better. I have more strength in me that that. I have decided to try and leave the bedside for many reasons, most importantly, my physical and mental well-being. But I am not giving up on this profession or my desire to change it for the better. I have come up with a game plan on how I plan to try and create some meaningful change, and I am going to outline all here. 

1. What do I believe is wrong or needs to be improved on within our healthcare system/the profession of Nursing?

2. Why is this a national issue? Why should people care?

3. What are some solutions? How can we make positive change for better outcomes?

At the same time...

I need to contemplate on how I can spread my message, and those of so manyyyy other healthcare workers. 

I will do this all this and more in my next couple of posts, and hopefully by the end of this, I will have built my own solid foundation of research, facts, and unbiased argument upon which I can create a platform of my own. 

Feeling Courageous,

I am the fierce lioness,

chasing the elusive sun

-Nan