Chin up, buttercup

Oh lord, I just finished a session with my trainer, and as much I love the way she drives me; I also feel like I am going to puke. I can not believe I let myself get so weak that I am actually nauseous after a workout! But I am hopeful, three weeks in and I am starting to see some improvements. I just need to make sure I keep the drinking/eating at bay which is honestly pretty damn hard in the city. Even when I try and behave, I somehow get suckered into going out once a week! But if I am going to see the results I want to see, I am definitely going to have cut out some of the crap. I told myself I would spend the rest of this year working on my physical well being, and once I have a good regimen with that, I will start figuring out my career game plan in January. I know its sad but between moving, work, my personal life..I just couldn't seem to focus on my career. 

I am trying to get myself emotionally straight. I finally had the conversation with S, and it just confirmed what I already knew. He wasn't willing to put in the effort needed to make it work between us, and that left me no choice but to walk away. It sucks. From the bottom of my heart, I miss him. I feel like I am losing a dear friend, and god forbid I even touch alcohol it takes every ounce of effort not to reach out to him.  I am hopeful that maybe one day we can be friends, but I just can't do it now. Some days I feel happy to be single or at least content knowing where I stand. Those days are great! Then other days, I just want to crawl into bed and cry my eyes out. I know I will move on and find love eventually, hell the vultures are already lining up, but right now I just want to go runaway to a tropical island and be alone. 

Things going south with S, also kinda complicates my living situation. I really want to go back to SD...most probably permanently. But I know I just cannot go back now, it would be too painful, and too tempting to reopen closed doors. I looked into Miami, but the pay rates are dead awful. It also hurt me to see my mom get sad when I told her about permanently moving. I think for now, I will spend the first half of the year in northeast close to the fam, and then in the fall if I am still up for it- make the permanent move to the west coast. 

Ugh I feel crappy just writing about all this crap. I should say, not everything is dreary. Some days are awesome! I have made it a point to do some exploring! I have been having fun catching up with all my friends now that I am close! Working out with the trainer has really helped me feel physically better. Getting to spend thanksgiving home with the family was amazing, especially after not being able to for years. And finally, I am even getting used to work. Not to mention, I am finally going to go on the mission trip I have always wanted to do! And I am going to Miami in two weeks! 

Anyways, I just trying to keep my chin up and keep a positive attitude. Everything will work out, It always does :)

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