Rest In Peace

This week was the most taxing week of my nursing career thus far, and hands down, today was the worst day I have ever had working as a nurse. I literally saw my young patient slowly deteriorate, herniate, and eventually end up brain dead. The slow changes in my patient's pupils, the look in his father's eyes, the heart wrenching wail of his mourning mother...I can not seem to get them out of my head.
 
In nursing school, they told us we would encounter moments like these. But no amount of verbal preparation seems sufficient when these events unfold in real time. I only spent three long days with the patient and his family, and yet, I felt so much pain today. The mother literally sobbing in my arms, asking me "how could this be?" What reply could I give her? What solace could I give her except the warmth of my arms, and the silent translation that I too, felt her loss. How could I explain to the dad that his son was never going to wake up? How could I tell them that his heart would beat forever, but his eyes would never open? The look in their eyes of hope lost was unbearable. I spent a good part of the day comforting the parents, silently praying, fighting back tears, sobbing in the lounge room, and trying to find words to help soothe the parents.  I thought the hardest part of working in the ICU would be the skills and knowledge I had to acquire, but by no means, is that anywhere as hard as the emotional roller coaster that has been the past few days.
 
At the end of the day, death is part of life. I know this. But to experience death up close and personal, that will take getting used to (if you ever get used to it). Two weeks ago, my 91 year old patient literally died in my hands. It was a terminal wean. I saw her heart rate consistently drop, and I went in the room to assess her. I held her hand till she slowly but surely flat lined. Someone's life literally left them in front of my eyes. 91 years of being a daughter, a mother, a worker, a human being, all dissipating in a few minutes. At the time, I cried, and it was hard, but I got over it. Age made that scenario easier. But this week, this week was a whole other level. Maybe you get used to this type of scenario with time, but a part of me hopes I never do.
 
This week I saw different sides of people. Truth is some people have callus hearts, unable to empathize anymore. I may be emotional, and some may call it weak, but I know I still have a heart. Human empathy still resides inside of me and for that I am grateful. The way the family opened up to me, lets me know I did something right. I know this has been a horribly trying time for that family, but I can rest soundly knowing I did my best to help their son and to make this time a little more bearable and comforting for the family.
 
Tonight I sleep with a heavy heart. My prayers are for that family. May god give them strength to see them through this trying time. May god give peace to my patient, and let his body go without pain or agony. Finally, may god continue to give me strength to serve my patients, to face life's challenges, and be the best self I can be.
 
-Nandita- 

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